* a letter

My darling brother,

Rob, I never wrote you many letters when you were alive. I don't know why. It wasn't that there was nothing to say, just that it didn't seem to need to be written down. You were always more of a telephone guy anyway. And I'm not sure why, now, on this last day of 2010 I feel compelled to do so, but I do. I don't really believe in an afterlife but I wonder, hope even, that the essence of you has returned to the ether, stardust to stardust, and that by putting these words out there, they may reach you somehow. Silly, I know, but humour me, won't you? I'll try to keep it brief. I know, that if you are out there, you've probably got fishing to be getting back to.

I always thought of the four of us as the four chambers of a heart - such perfect symmetry, two boys, two girls... it just doesn't work as it should without you here. When you left, a piece of my heart went with you. I believe that over time the ache of its tearing away will ease but I don't think love fades in the same way. How can it? That is the magic of love. Of course, that space you occupy in my own heart is still yours, always will be. 2010 will be etched in my soul because we shared our last laugh together in it. It's going to be one of those years I mark and measure things against forever. We just made it through our first Christmas without you, and tomorrow morning will be the first New Year's day. I know, that like me, there'll be thousands of moments in future when we as a family think of you and miss you, whether it's for the first or umpteenth time. I hope it's true that they become slightly less painful. I do. I can't see how we can live on in this raw and ragged state. It hurts like blazes.

My life changed this year. I changed. Am changing. And it's not the gradual, manageable change of natural evolution or healthy growth but the gut-wrenching, bone-cracking, heart-breaking change of massive loss and upheaval. You were by far the biggest part of that but not the only thing, as you know. And I have no doubt there are tears still to be shed. It's not all bad though. When I think of you, see you in dreams or photographs, or we talk of you, my heart swells and smiles just as it always did with the pleasure of knowing you. I can't imagine that will ever change. The love I have for you and the gratitude I feel for having shared that heart space with you will never change. And that, along with the example you set of dignity and grace in the face of challenge, will help me get through it. I'd rather have had you, in person - your funny laugh, your gentle spirit, your quiet strength - but I thank you for the love and the light that you shone. That you shine even now.

With that, I step over the threshold of 2011. And I carry you with me.

with love, your sister, as ever

Simba