* needs expressed

I really wanted to do this... Graciel's idea to express what we need in form of a sign struck me as a good one.

These are my current most important and unfulfilled needs:

1. Someone to go on holiday with :~ this is about more that the need for a holiday, which is true too, it's a recognition of the fact that I miss having someone to share those experiences with. I love to travel, I would go so far as to say, I need to travel, and I actually enjoy travelling alone sometimes. It affords a great opportunity to explore without taking account of any agenda but my own and engaging with whatever comes up, or not, as suits me. It's very liberating and I've had some of my most profound travel moments occur when I've been on my own. But sometimes there’s nothing to beat the pleasure of having someone else on the journey and the shared history that results. It's not a case of having just anybody along either. A bit like a really good shopping partner, a really good travel partner is hard to find. For one reason or another, my favourite people to travel with are no longer readily available to me, and I miss that.

2. Joy :~ I'm not referring to the joy to be found in small everyday things - getting lost in a good book, sipping a perfect cup of chai, soaking in a beautiful sky... these simple joyful moments I have many of and they do enrich my life enormously. It's about the very deep joy of connection, sharing, companionship. When I started to reflect on the most joyful times in my life so far, it seems that they often include spending real world time with the people I care about, people who get me, my family of the heart. And I realised that I don't have nearly enough of that in my life anymore. I don't really know how to tackle fulfilling this need as these people are spread across the globe and that's not going to change any time soon. But I need to do something because, truly, it's just plain lonely and joyless without them.

3. Purpose :~ a reason to get up and out every day. Vital. And I'm not sure what it is right now.

4. The sight, sound and smell of the sea :~ yes, really. Linked to the need for joy, another dimension of that for me is to feel connected to my world. Environment is very important to me and I feel most truly alive when I am near the sea. Like nowhere else. When I next make a significant move, even if it's to another city, it will be near the ocean. Maybe Vancouver.

5. Me :~ this one is hard to articulate. I don't mean that I have a need to go off, live in a commune, grow vegetables, or stare out at the horizon for hours to "find myself" but, on the other hand, these might not be bad ideas. I have always recognised myself as evolving, and as subject to change as the next person but at my core I've been quite certain of who I am, what my values are, and that I have a purpose and a place in the world.

When my husband left me after more than half a lifetime together, my foundation was completely rocked. It was about more than the sense of betrayal and abandonment and the hurt of that. It was about more than the practical challenges of forging a different, unplanned for, life for myself, alone. It made me question, fundamentally, my ability to trust in myself and my own judgement, about everything. If I got that so wrong, how can I trust anything that I think or feel or believe? Anything at all? I appreciate that this is a bit extreme and not entirely rational and I would never have anticipated it could shake me up so badly, but it did. The progress back from the brink of that has been slow and often painful and has - with all the other changes that I've undergone in the past few years in situation and circumstance, personal and professional - left me not only unsure of who I am now, or what my place and purpose are but also of who I want to be.

My brother's death has rocked me again. In a different way and for different reasons but as deeply. I feel cut loose: floating and amorphous. It's difficult to find anything inside or out to anchor myself to. But I recognise that if I am unable to do this, I cannot do anything at all but exist. There is no life to be had in that. And I choose to live, not exist. I need to find me. Whoever that might be now - either the parts of me I was, let go of in error and would like to rediscover, or the parts I have yet to unlock in becoming the me I am evolving towards. If I can’t figure this out, how will I know what I want or work out how to move towards it? And I hate to admit even to myself that I sometimes feel so very lost in this quest. I go for long periods trying to avoid looking at it because it can feel like an overwhelming and daunting task. But there it is. I need to find me.

If anyone sees me hitch-hiking on a road somewhere, please give me a lift. I could use the help.

* contemplation

A day spent without the sight or sound of beauty, the contemplation of mystery, or the search of truth or perfection is a poverty-stricken day; and a succession of such days is fatal to human life.

Lewis Mumford

(1895-1990)

* terrific times

"Think about one of the most wonderful experiences in your life.... imagine yourself back in that moment.... how you felt and what was going on around you. Now spend a few moment writing down a description of that experience and how you felt. Do not worry about your spelling, punctuation or grammar. Instead, simply commit your thoughts to paper."

:59 seconds - think a little, change a lot

I remember the day we changed from sheets and blankets to duvets. I think I was about 9 or 10 years old. I'd always loved my bed and to this day, the feeling of crawling in to fresh linen is a simple pleasure that I savour. My mum arrived home one day, without warning that I recall, with four new duvets, one for me and each of my three siblings. Duvets were very modern and alternative in our neighbourhood - although it was the 70's, we were not in Europe and eiderdowns at my Nana's were the closest I'd ever come to experiencing anything like them. And those lay on top of heavy sheets and blankets only in the very coldest weather.  This was a whole new approach to beds. I wonder now if it was partly a way to simplify the bed-making process but whatever the reasons, I loved them from the start. I remember clearly the excitement of anticipating bedtime that first night and I think we went to bed especially early that evening. If I close my eyes I can clearly picture the feeling of lying under that light and fluffy whiteness, so cosy and safely cocooned, and I remember looking across at my sister (we shared a bedroom still) and thinking how cute she looked with just her little blond head peeking out the top of hers. Memories of the two of us lying in bed at night in the dark, swapping stories, listening to the little transistor radio, and sharing our thoughts, remain some of my very happiest memories and forged a bond that can never be broken even now that we are on opposite sides of the planet. Like all sisters we argued, we fought, and we eventually had rooms of our own but we are still the best of friends and I still have some of my best night's sleep when D and I are under the same roof. The introduction of duvets to our bedtimes seemed to add something even more special - an extra level of comfort. I wonder if she remembers any of this and what her feelings about it were (if any). I must ask her...

* creating change

Remind myself of this